Kick! Punch! It's all in the mind.

(NB. Apologies for any delays, I've had bugger all free time recently and shift work is slowly sucking my soul).





If I were a creature, I would be a slug.

I'm small, wiggly, slow moving, am a bit cute in a very weird way and most of all:


I AM LAZY.

(If any slugs are insulted by this, I apologise, but it's true).


As far as ROONP (For those who have forgotten, Re-examination Of Om Noms Perception) is concerned, the healthy (ish) eating I can do. I have that down. The issue I have is exercise.


I lack motivation. This is evident in my top 5 favourite pastimes:

1.) Watching TV shows/ DVDs/ Films.

I am a media whore. The majority of my student loan went on take away and DVDs. The DVDs or TV shows don't even have to be particularly good, one of my favourite TV shows is America's Next Top Model. I know that it's superficial, I know that it's inane, but YOU know it's bloody good telly watching skinny models tear each other's throats out and hoping for a Tyra Banks strop!

2.) Playing computer games.

I love playing Xbox. There's so much appealing about it. I can shoot zombies, play computer games from my youth, play board games, pretend I have a life so I don't need to face the harsh reality that my job kinda sucks and I'm not in a career I would actually prefer. And let us not forget the competition. I am a competitive bitch (although not as competitive as my best friend who once assaulted me with a Monopoly board because she was losing), so the whole "Achievements" thing, comparing yourself to friends, seeing who is more awesome (or lacks a life the most), is just right up my Diagon-alley.

3.) Shopping.

Retail therapy is by far the best therapy. Window shopping, browsing, mooching. I love to wander round towns and look at what I could buy if I had the money. Living near Brighton and London, I have the best of both worlds, contemporary fashion and off beat vintage fashion. It's just fantastic, barre a few things.

My dislikes when it comes shopping are:

- Crowds of people
- Annoying knob heads who walk ridiculously slow
- People who stop right in front of you so you practically penetrate them
- Crowds of teenagers who stand in stupid places and then wonder why you call them a prick and tell them to move
- Queues
- Queues of people WHO AREN'T EVEN QUEUING (this happened yesterday when I went shopping with my brother)
- Cyclists who cycle on the pavement
- Cyclists who cycle on the road
- Cyclists in general
- Women with prams and people with mobility scooters who believe that because they birthed a child or are not able/ can't be bothered to walk for long periods of time that this entitles them to run over my feet and not apologise (but on the reverse, people who don't hold doors for people struggling with prams)
- Rude people who don't hold doors open, or say "thank you" for holding a door open.
- CEX. There has never been a more pikey-ish shop in existance. It smells of B.O., the majority of the stock is ridiculously over priced, the one in Brighton has a wonky floor, the customers generally seem like they have a gene puddle rather than a gene pool.

Love individual persons, hate people.

4.) Listening to music

CDs, mp3s, Radio, Live gigs, Advert jingles. I bloody love music. I can't imagine a world without it.


5.) A good old night out.
Club, pub, kebab, floor and so on.


None of the activities I enjoy doing really involve any form of strenuous exercise. So, I had to adapt my regular routine a little bit.



1.) DVDs, film etc.

As silly as it sounds, while watching TV during the day or evening, just jump up and throw some shapes, have a look online for good exercises (whether they be jumping jacks, the pendullum, reverse cowgirl or whatever) and watch TV while doing them. Yes, I know sitting on your arse is much more comfortable and fun than doing star jumps and sweating your tits off, but fuck it, you're still able to watch TV. C'mon, meet me half way. If it helps you feel any better, I hate exercise as much as you do, but it's necessary to exercise to lose weight.

Throw in an exercise DVD every now and again, you can get some really fun ones with great music and easy exercises. My own personal favourite is The Pussycat Dolls Workout, a few of my work friends can vouch this is both fun, easy, makes you sweat your tits off and ache like a bitch the next day. (Just ignore the fact that Robin Antin maybe the most bizarre female you've ever seen).

2.) Playing Computer Games.

Get. Kinnect.

Simple really. If you love computer games, love achievements, and want to burn calories. Get a Kinnect.

It's possibly the most genius idea for someone like me, who loves to p0wn friends at computer games and show off their achievement score, and has such a fragile concept of reality that they would be willing to run 5 miles for a 5G achievement.

Fantastic games like Kinnect Adventures, Dance Central and Kinnect Sports will keep you active with friends, just make sure you have a big enough living room.

If you don't have an xbox, Wii fit is also awesome. And there are many fantastic family games you can get that are a good work out and laugh.



3.) Shopping

Shopping in itself is fantastic exercise. People underestimate how good walking is for you, but it's bloody tip top! Properly explore the town or city you shop in. Go down side streets, back alleys (all during the day, of course) and really immerse yourself. You may find some shops you never had a clue existed (Brighton's a good example of this, up until recently I didn't know they had a MAC shop, yay!)

If you use public transport, try walking into town (if it's reasonable, obviously not if you live 10 miles away). When I was younger and lived in Kent, I used to walk from my village to the local town, a distance of 2.1 miles there, 2.1 miles back. Sometimes I'd also go onto the next town and then walk back from there. And I lived on a hill. And it was snowy. And I lost a foot in 'Nam.... The last point may not be true.
If it's not reasonable to walk into town, get off at the stop before your normal one, or walk to the next stop on your route. It does help!

If you use a car, park at a car park further away from town. When I go to visit my brother in Brighton, I park at his house and we do a 25-30 minute walk into town, it gives us a chance to chat and moan.

If you dislike walking, do it with a friend! Or stop moaning? One of the two.

And remember, walking with heavier weights is better, so if that's not encouragement to buy things, I don't know what is.

4.) Listening to music. Easy peasy. DANCE! DANCE LIKE A SILLY TWAT!

Here are some of my favourite songs to have a cheeky dance to in the privacy of my own home.


i.) Pendulum - Propane Nightmares

I have seen my fair share of clubbers dance like a twat to this song. Full volume is essential.


ii.) Nickelback - Animals

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. I actually LIKE Nickelback. And this is a fantastic song to do hip rolls to, and to jump around to.

iii.) N.E.R.D - Lapdance (Trent Reznor Remix)

                                                                

A lot of my exercise music taste stems from when I used to do pole dancing lessons. Practice your sexiest moves to this. The whole point is, don't feel silly doing it. I probably look like an absolute knob head when I do my shoulder rolls and hip rolls, but you know what? I don't care. It keeps me busy and active!

iv.) Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl

I honestly believe that Rob Zombie's music is possibly the best ever music to pole dance to (and he must believe so too, what with having an album entitled "American Made Music to Strip By").


v.) The Prodigy - No Good

Get off your nuts on diet red bull, a handful of green skittles and some Guarana and dance. Dancing is so bloody fun. You can do it on your own, with a friend, you can have the music on while you're tidying and dance while you're hoovering even. JUST DANCE!

Make up dance routines, do exercise work outs to music, run to music if it helps (this is one I find difficult, I hate running).

If you feel you can't dance around, get your mp3 player, tape player, cd player on and go for a walk. Back when I lived in Kent, almost every evening I'd go for a walk that lasted an hour or two, just listening to music and being on my own. It was bloody beautiful.

5.) Clubbing.

This is pretty much the same as above. Don't be a wall flower, get up on that dance floor and strut your stuff.

If you feel like you need some dutch courage, have a couple vodka and diet cokes.

The best thing is, find a club that does music you like. There's no point in going somewhere where you dislike the music because chances are you won't dance. There are plenty of fantastic clubs in the world. My favourites being in Pompey, which are Babylon (an awesome 90s club) and Delight Mondays at Pure (an awesome alternative, rock, jungle, punk, metal night).

And for God's sake, on the way home, get a chicken shish kebab.